So there are about 25 people in the world that I can talk to easily and comfortably. Everyone else, well. Lately I have been thrown into situations where I have to make small talk with strangers, and it sucks. Actually I'm not so anti-social. I talk to strangers all the time - I walk up to them and admire their babies, or ask the person in line behind me if the steaks and wine mean "anniversary" or "I'm gonna get some tonight." (Answer: "Well, it's not my anniversary... but there's always hope!") I like people as long as they are amusing and/or have a purpose for their existence.
What I really hate is when you say what comes readily, but then you're still standing there for whatever reason, and you have to grope for other lines of conversation. Because once you move past the obvious topic (which is whatever caused you to be standing near that person to start with) it's really hard to think of other things to say. Or a graceful way to extricate yourself from the conversation.
Over the past few weeks I have been in soooo many situations like this, and I'm just not getting any better at it. I begin to wonder if it's just me, if I lack conversation skills or wit or whatever else I need to not feel so... awkward. I have been gradually meeting the new neighbors, and beyond name, city of origin, and what rainy weather we're having, there's just not much to talk about. Oh, what lovely roses you have. This seems like a nice neighborhood. What day is garbage pickup here? Well, looks like the dog is past ready for his walk. Y'all have a nice afternoon, now. And bolt, leaving the other person standing in the street.
On Wednesday night we have been attending class at a local congregation. We have sort of started making friends (acquaintance, really) with some of the younger couples there. My SIL has a friend who worships there, and turns out he was dating the girl we sit behind. So after services each week we have stood around and talked with them. Well, apparently they aren't seeing each other any more. So now Andy has to talk to him, and I am left with her. I like her ok, but she is not someone I could ever be friends with. She just doesn't get me, I think. I am trying to befriend her, because we have some things in common and because she is also new here. This whole contingent of widows took her in when she first started going there, and so she's not going to ditch them, but she doesn't have any other friends there, and... I don't know what I'm trying to say, except that it is kind of like the 5th grade all over again, when someone starts kind of hanging around you and trying to sit at your lunch table, and you're thinking "What are you doing here?" But the farthest I can get in conversation is to ask her questions about her job, which is teaching high school science. I mentioned that I still talk regularly with my college bio teacher, who was really influential in my life. That's nice, I had a high school teacher like that. Awkward silence. Stilted conversation. I can't stand it, and now it's my life.
What I really long for is to be thrown into conversation JUST ONCE and have it flow easily, naturally, like I've known the person for years. My dad goes 10 years without seeing his high school best friend, and when they do bump into each other they will stand in the gas station and talk for 3 hours because they are just such a good fit. I have a few people like that in my life (you know who you are.) Why can't it be like that every day? Any time I am stuck talking to someone's aunt at a party, I am thinking about the people I would rather be talking to. Wistful, that's the word. Because what good is it to have people you care about, when the only people you meet up with are strangers?
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wakeful dreamer