Tonight we ate dinner with our brother-in-law John and one of Andy's former coworkers, Greg, who are in town for a class this week. (Nothing But Noodles!) During the meal I said something about the joys of per diem pay. John said, "Yeah, but I'd rather be at home." And I got to thinking about that, how some people are so much more family-oriented than others.
When I was a kid, my parents rarely did anything without us. Their social life mostly included other people with kids our ages, so if they were going to someone's house, we went too. I think I must have been left with an actual babysitter maybe five times or less, ever. Whatever their motivations were, it must have been partly a desire to be with us. In any case, that's the way I was raised and the way I am mothering my children as well.
Not that I'm saying people should never be away from their children, ever ever. It's just that our kids happen to be the people we like best. Which brought me to my next line of thought, how so many people I know have social circles that barely converge with their spouses'. For us, we mostly do things together, with other couples. Over time, we have fallen away from some friends because all the personalities involved didn't click. I married my spouse because I like him and I prefer to be with him. Anyone who can't get him probably doesn't get me, either.
I guess stereotypically it's husbands who go out with their buddies after work, and hunting trips on the weekends, and all that. I chose a husband who doesn't do that. John doesn't do that. For both of them, it's all about spending the maximum amount of time with the wife and kids. I love that. I mean, I don't go neurotic if he stops off at his partner's house and stays for an hour talking. But I would hate it if his focus in life was on things that don't even peripherally involve me, if he just picked up and went places with his buddies all the time.
Then I got to wondering, do these men spend all this time on their own pursuits because their marriages are weak? Is it a vicious cycle where after years of fishing and hunting and basketball, you don't even know your spouse any more, so why would you want to come home after work and make small talk with a stranger?
Thinking back on relationships I have had in the past, I realize that I shied away from a lot of people who seemed like they would be less than family-minded. If you don't want to be with me every chance you get when we're dating, if there is something you'd rather be doing... I know that is a situation that won't improve after marriage and kids. I like being married to someone who works, comes home, and does stuff around the house on the weekends. I could never be happy in a situation where my other half went places without me all the time. I know others are more or less happy with that, but I couldn't be - that's just me.
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wakeful dreamer