All the Things I Want to Say

"I was taken on a trip to see a minuscule menagerie in my soul/Where all the thoughts had escaped the cage and vamped across the spiritual plain" - Sixpence None the Richer

So it's technically not ALL the things I want to say. If I said everything that crosses my mind, I'd be a really mean person. And even though maybe one person in my life ever reads this blog, I don't want to be totally forthcoming. Sometimes you just can't handle knowing what people really think. Even if it's someone you love, you may not want the whole truth out there all the time. I take that back. My SO doesn't blog, and I yearn for that window into his mind. Even if I read something unflattering about me, at least I wouldn't have to wonder. Right?

I guess I really should claim - SOME of the things I want to say.

I've had a lot on my mind lately, more than usual. In part I'm analyzing my place in the world. The final score isn't posted yet, but so far it looks like a draw. I think I have a lot to bring to my relationships, and I know I have the skills to make myself happy, but in the end I have such a small life. In 100 years, will anyone care that I lived? Sadly enough, probably not. But that's true for most everyone.

In part, this angst is brought on by massive turnover of the people in my life. Largely, departures more than arrivals. I've lost many of my friends through... what? general life issues? I'm not sure.

In particular I miss my friend Aaron. We used to be close - until I had a baby and he changed to a school 8 hours away. He gets 3 weeks off a year, and has to cram every person in his life into that time. All his family, all his friends, everyone. And I've sort of fallen to the bottom of the list. And honestly, he's slipping on my list too. My child, my family, my home, have taken all my time lately. We didn't even talk about hanging out over spring break this year. Actually I didn't realize when it was until the week after, and since he didn't call me either, I didn't see him. In a way it's kind of a relief, but I still miss him.

I haven't had a lot of new friends take the place of the old ones either. There are some new couples in our congregation. Finally, I know some Christians my age! But you know, life. It is always in my way. Or is it just me?

Once again, I just remembered that someone out there loves me, so I can't be a total write-off. Ah, validation. One of the nice perks of being in a great relationship.

And speaking of sex, I need some. Right now. I'm getting carpal tunnel, but it's only dulling the edge a little.

It's late, and I'm tired, and I've got to get up early in the morning. I don't want to miss the big event in the morning. Hey, it's a reason to wear something other than jeans. I gotta let my poor dresses out of the house sometimes.

The whole family is pretty certain that this is a "shotgun wedding" although the ones who actually know the truth claim it's not. A child conceived out of wedlock is not the sort of thing that would be exactly received as good news in this family. Hence, the (presumed) hasty wedding cover-up. I'm not sure the motives are anything deeper than finances, though I wouldn't be surprised either way.

Any rate, it's going to be an interesting show. My in-laws are going to watch in stony silence, my SIL is going to be kissy-face and effervescent, and my BIL will depart right after the final "I do", speaking to us as little as possible. Fun.

Irritatingly, my DH is on a business trip overnight. I didn't find out until the very last minute, or I would have done something extra-fun tonight. Usually we go to the movies, which to me is fun. I love going out by myself (meaning, just me and Jax. I'm never literally alone.) Instead I pushed Jax in the swing until we both were frozen solid and had to come in. I do so love my little boy.