Why are families so complicated?
Now let me first say, I love my brother. He is a nice person who goes out of his way to spend time with us. He has let Andy change clothes at his store or apartment after many a job interview. And he's truly a smart, funny, energetic person who I enjoy being around. But I'm really angry at him.
Two days ago, Adam came to visit. He rolls in, hangs out for an hour or so, then stretches out on the sofa and takes a nap. For over two hours. Jax, meanwhile, is whipped into a three-year-old frenzy because he loves his Unk Adam and reeeeeally wants to do stuff with him. ("Hey, Unk Adam, want to play play-doh? Want to play ball? Want to watch the Muppets with me? Hey, Unk Adam, read this book to me. ") So finally Adam wakes up and says, "Jax, let's watch a movie." Jax says no, lets go outside and play! "No, man, I'm too tired to play. Let's just watch TV." And I'm thinking, "Punk, don't you have your own place? Go home if you don't want to interact with us."
Anyway, Jax is acting like your normal three-year-old who is cooped up in the house all day and who wants attention from his favorite uncle. He's literally bouncing off the walls. And Adam is getting irritated because he's planning on laying around all afternoon and doesn't want to be bothered. So he starts yelling at Jax. Actually, I think he thought he was yelling at a dog, because mostly he was going, "Nooooo! Noooo!" in the same tone you use to say "Stay! Staaay!" when training a dog. Finally I had to lay down the law for him. He's not going to treat Jax that way in his own house (or anywhere else.)
It was soooo irritating. I guess he thinks that his role as uncle is a disciplinary one. If I tell Jax anything at all, he repeats my instruction in a stern voice. Like I'll say, "Can you please hand me that glass?" and Adam unnecessarily says, "Pass that to your mom!!!" Also, if an item is accessible, or if he is playing with something and I don't stop him, then probably it's ok for him to have it. But Adam will take it away from him and do his "Noooo!" until I say, "Hey, give that back to him." Like a while back when Jax had an old checkbook register. We bank online and use a spreadsheet, so I always give him the paper thing that comes with the checks. But Adam saw that, shrieked "Nooo! Bad! Put that down" and to me, "Here, I got your checkbook back for you." Uh, that's his, dorkwad. And we don't tell Jax he's bad, because he's not.
Most irritating is the notion that if he ever has kids, God forbid, that's how he will be as a parent. I mean, anyone with any sense knows that you don't tell someone what not to do (or just wait for them to do it unknowingly, then punish them!) You tell people what you want them TO do. Your boss says to finish a report. You ask your spouse to rub your back. You ask your kid to pick up his cars. No one wants their spouse saying, "You never {whatever} for me! I'm mad!" and then you have to sleep on the couch that night when what they should have said is, "Hey baby, would you rub my back?" and you probably would have done it. I mean, really. Kids are people too. Treat them accordingly!
Plus it's soul-sucking to be so negative all the time.
By the time he left, I was a nervous wreck. Every couple months he has a day off and invites himself down. I either grit my teeth through it, or try to have a good reason to be somewhere else. Next time, I'm just going to say no. I love my brother and especially love that he makes such an effort to keep our relationship going, but I can't handle the dynamic with him and Jax.
You might ask why I am blogging this instead of just talking to him about it? 1) It's uncomfortable. 2) I have, and it didn't produce results, and 3) the same reason why he's talked about his new girlfriend for weeks on LJ and I just was officially told on Tuesday. it's easier to tell 6 billion anonymous strangers something than to tell the one person who needs to know.
And by the way, part of my discomfort with him is about his LiveJournal. I mean, look at how he portrays himself. Is it really necessary to use the f-word in every post? Or to say how much you drink? The funny thing is, he's able to tone it down around certain people, like me. Why live your life at the lowest common denominator? If it's not ok to say it to the preacher (for those suffering from unnecessary preacher worship) then why is it ok to say at al? Truth is not relative. Truth and morality are absolute.
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wakeful dreamer